Because He Needs Me

It  was harkening for me to realize as a first time mother, that the tiny creature before me relied solely on me to keep it alive. I was what decided when and how he was held, fed, bathed, changed, and comforted. My body produced the liquid that filled his belly and sustained him. I poured my heart into another human being like never before, like I never knew possible. I understood every choice I made affected him and could have a domino effect well into his future.

The monumental task before me seemed impossible some days. Being a mother doesn’t have a time limit. It doesn’t stop and become a state of completion. It continues until the day we die and beyond. So many different choices with uncountable outcomes. How scary and daunting a thought can be. Each day I was faced with thousands of opportunities to fail or succeed, knowing each one could have lasting effects. I vowed to do the best I could to provide for him because he needed me.

Then one day I woke up and my son was walking and moving about as he pleased. The once, incapable, fragile baby was now into everything and going non stop. He no longer needed me to warm his bottles and change his diapers, but he needed me in other ways. He needed a soft kiss on his boo-boo and a bedtime story every night. He needed his sandwich cut into triangles and he shoes tied at least twice a day. I noticed the distance between him and I, but was grateful to have a little space to breathe. It can be so difficult to be needed all day, everyday.


Next thing I remember is the overwhelming sight of my son holding his oldest sister. The joy of becoming a big brother beamed from his face. My once baby boy, now seemed a whole lot bigger and a whole lot more capable. I couldn’t hold him in my arms like his sister, in fact he barely fit on my lap. He didn’t need me to kiss his boo boos anymore but he still needed me. He needed me to play along with monster trucks and race cars. He needed me to teach him self discipline and emotional regulation. He still needed me, just in different ways.



I look again and time speeds past once more and before me is a boy who resembles a man. He has broad shoulders and stands tall like his father. He greets me every night when I come home from work and carries my lunch box inside. He holds his baby sister almost as if she could be his own. He no longer needs me to help him with the big emotions inside,  but my name is frequently on his lips. Always asking me to come watch a movie together or if there is any way he can help. He still needs me despite almost being a man. He needs to know I am proud of him and support his every dream. He still needs me.

I hope he never outgrows that mentality of needing me, him and his sisters too. I hope they always require something from me and know I will always be there till the end. It is hard going through each phase of motherhood. From newborn to empty nest, each chapter we are needed a little differently and it is a mother’s  job to adapt and be what our children need.  God blesses mothers I believe, because it’s through Him we find strength and courage to sacrifice and nurture our children. To show up everyday and be what they need despite what we feel like or may need ourselves.

I started by becoming a tiny human’s everything  and now my children have become my everything.  I am not sure where I will be if my children ever stop needing me. It is a reality I find hard to fathom. After being in motherhood for 11 years and three kids later, I am not sure I know how not to be needed. Some days it is hard and overwhelming. Some days I fail and barely pull myself out of bed. Other days I cook three balanced meals and get the house clean. But everyday, I should be grateful, and I pray, I never forget what a blessing it is to be a mother and for guidance to do it His way.